Being Good Enough
So, yes, I promised a post all about my fab trip to Amsterdam but I'm going to leave that for now. I'm hoping the title of this post is intriguing so you're staying with me here, I have a feeling this one is going to be mostly rambling but I hope some comfort can be taken away from it.
I've always been quite open in what I write, whether that be here on my semi-professional-ish blog and my unfortunately frequent, yet relatable Twitter breakdowns. In particular, I've always been open about having absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing with my life. Especially once I leave college. At the moment, things are fine because college doesn't finish until June which seems a while away but after that...then what? I'm left with my part-time jobs so should I go full-time until I figure out what I want to do? What if I end up there forever?
*Ahem...cue downward spiral*
Let me set the scene, I'm in the kitchen with my mum and we're just talking about bitty things, nothing important. Not yet anyway. Almost every serious conversation I've had has happened in the kitchen, is that just me? Such a weird thing...I digress. Anyhow, I'm not really sure how we got onto it but I just blurted out "I think my fear is that I'm not good enough" like it was this scandalous confession. Truth is, that statement is just an umbrella. I don't think I'm good enough to finish my college course and successfully, I don't think I'm good enough to go onto anything after college other than the part time jobs I have already (because they're familiar and I've done them for so long now), I don't feel good enough for certain people (in the process of getting over that though, listen to 'IDGAF' by Dua Lipa at least once a day and very loudly, I recommend it) or good enough to even give something a go for fear of being rubbish at it, embarrassing myself.
I know I am not the only one with a fear of not being good enough. Right now though, my biggest 'not good enough' worry is with going onto something that could lead me into a career. I know a lot of what I don't want to do, apparently just listing all the things you don't want to do to try and narrow it down to options I would like won't work. Thought it was a pretty good system but I can see the issues with it. I know University isn't for me, so then what? I have looked at Apprenticeships I like the look of but they're on the other side of the country and I don't want to go that far, at least not yet. What else?
Growing up is terrifying. That's what I've learnt so far. I've struggled with going from the safety of childhood and school, not having to be responsible for many things to suddenly having to work to earn money so I can buy boring things I used to take for granted like makeup wipes or new socks because most of mine seem to have disappeared and train tickets to get to college and work, fuel for my car etc. The thing is, I understand it all. I am totally fine with paying my parents rent when I have left full-time education and into a full-time job. These are all things I know, I am certain of and will be happening. What I don't know is what my job will be. Everything I go on to do and what will happen to me (god that sounds ominous) will be because of choices I make. Which again, is absolutely terrifying. The thing is, I let myself get so terrified I think myself into a black hole where I work a dead-end job and I'm struggling for money and super unhappy. I DO NOT WANT THIS. My conversation with my mum has given me a bit of a kick up the arse to take the "I DO NOT WANT THIS" one step further and take action so I don't feel like that.
My aim is to speak to my tutors at college for more guidance and to just apply to anything and everything in various corners of the Media Industry that appeal to me. The worst than can happen is that I get a no! Or more likely hear nothing back at all which is fine because there is so much out there. I want to get into the habit of telling myself I am good enough whether I am successful or unsuccessful with whatever I choose to take on. Although I am not 100% clear on what exactly my goals and aspirations are yet, I actually have them which is one step in the right direction and good place to start. I'd like to, instead dwell on the feeling that I'm not enough for someone to make the effort with me or give me all the things I'd give them that sometimes that is just the way it is and to move on, however much it sucks at the moment. I have always been a strong believer in 'everything happens for a reason' maybe because I find it a comforting way to explain things away but sometimes, things really do happen for a reason. One door closes and another one opens. Mercury is in retrograde. All that kind of stuff.
Anyway, moral of the story is that mum's are mystical, you ARE good enough and can do almost anything you want to do but only if you want it badly enough.
Only a sort post this week but you best believe I will be back with all the details of my Amsterdam trip. Coming soon my friends, stay tuned.
All my love,