Having the Rug Pulled Out
Updated: Oct 13, 2019
Hello! Just a quick one before the proper content comes out but I really needed to write out how I was feeling. Hopefully it's beneficial to someone regardless!
Some of you may know if you have twitter/don't live under a rock that it is in fact #mentalhealthawarenessweek.
It's important for me to tell you that this is absolutely not the post I had planned to put up this week but the last couple of days have led to me having a waffle on the internet. Slap that 'millennial' label on me right now (although I think I'm actually Gen Z but irrelevant).
I have been feeling so good recently. I have really gotten back to being my happiest self after a last minute trip to Paris with my best friend and then coming back and organising my life. Generally, I've been adulting pretty well. Cut to the last few days and out of nowhere, depression and low mood have pulled the mentally stable rug out from underneath me. Very on brand given that it's Mental Health Awareness week.
Also while I'm here, I'd like to give a special shout-out to Theresa May for wacking on some LEDs that have surely cured everyone who are out here dealing with a mental health illness. What a help that's been. I mean, not cutting the funding for mental health services by millions of pounds would have ACTUALLY helped but nice of you to do
B&Q a solid by clearing out their green LED bulbs.
Anyway, I don't know about anyone else but every time I dip and feel low or anxious again it feels like going back to square one, I feel like a shell of myself and like I'm failing. In my last post, I shared a few resources that I have previously used to help me find strategies to help manage the anxiety and depression. I realise now that I didn't mention medication however but my reason behind that was because I have never been on anti-depressants. So I don't know about them. But each time my depression slaps me in the face, the slap is getting stronger and it's like it takes so much effort to come back from than it used to. It's so draining.
The positives I try to take from a dip is that usually I can to spot the signs that a wave is coming before hitting rock bottom. This time, I didn't. I had been putting it all down to stress at work as I've really been trying my hardest to do a good job all while my anxiety has been telling me I'm rubbish at literally everything. Other than that, I'd been doing well. I have rebooted my blog, started putting effort into my instagram and beginning to slowly build a little platform for myself, I'd seen a few of my friends after going weeks with not being able to see any of them due to varying different reasons. I suppose it's worth noting that it hasn't taken me getting to rock bottom to notice I'm not okay at the moment.
But that is when the rug gets pulled out. It sneaks up on you sometimes no matter how prepared you think you are for it. I once read a post someone had written on their blog and they implied that it was their opinion that you can be cured and that with some medication and being positive it would all go away. I disagree. In my opinion, it isn't something you can be cured from, mental illness becomes something you manage. I don't try to fight mine, I try nurture it, understand it, learn what brings it out. It's a part of me and I'm okay with that. I just don't always get along with my anxiety and depression, especially when they decide to surprise me out of nowhere when I'm relatively happy. It's so rude???
I also forced myself to back to the gym class I used to attend every week. Even the journey there made me feel like I could breathe a bit better. The difference it made, not just the exercise itself but actually getting out of the house to do something that wasn't going to work or wasn't me laying in bed isolating myself all evening until I had to get back up and do the whole routine again was so worthwhile. It was like socialising without having to actually talk to anyone really. Although, having said that I did have a chat with my mum to get out what was going on in my brain. It is so so important to have a good support network and I'm so thankful for mine or the tidal wave of anxiety and depression would have wiped me out years ago.
A quick thank you to my lovely mum, Kelly who made it so I came home from work today from these lovely flowers. I cried. Again. Happy tears this time!
The rug can be pulled out from underneath you but it was getting worn anyway, so why not freshen it up with a nice new one and begin again. You're not back to square one, so don't listen to your brain. You're doing just fine.
If you want to check out my previous blog post that I mentioned earlier for any links to books or websites that are super helpful you can find it under 'All Posts' or under the 'Mental Health' category.
If you want to talk with someone who gets it; message me through instagram to @alexadione because I love a chat.
All my love,